Car Strikes Down, God Lifts Up

Now to verse four: The story of my week!

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.

4. Though I walk in the valley overshadowed by death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me

This verse really hit home this week.

Sunday afternoon, as the light turned green, my wife and I -- the sweetest woman in the world -- crossed a six lane Parkway in the crosswalk. A car turned from the adjoining avenue into the Parkway. The driver failed to notice that there were pedestrians in the walkway and proceeded to hit us. We were both struck by the vehicle and thrown to the ground.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life I was hit by a car, found myself sitting in the middle of this six lane parkway, with cars waiting to come at me as soon as the light turned green. I was bruised, injured, and had no idea to what extent. All I knew is - I’m on the ground.

My wife was just lightly swiped, but also fell to the ground. My first concern was her, and her first concern was me. She looked at me, with the most loving eyes in the world, but worry written all over her face, and said to me, “just tell me, are you okay?” And I nodded to the sweet woman, who is the joy of my life, “I'm in pain, but I’ll be okay.” And I asked her the same and she said “my wrist hurts but otherwise I'm ok.” And she picked herself up off the ground.

The driver came out of his car. Perhaps it would have been nicer had he chose to find out if we were injured, and express some regret for striking us. Instead, his comments to the forming crowd of people around was, “hey it was an accident. I stopped, and didn’t run. I had a green light.” Very concerned about defending himself.

But to tell you the truth, he was irrelevant to me at that moment. I knew I was struck by God, and I knew that if God struck me down, God will lift me up.

An ambulance came and took us to the hospital, me on a stretcher, my wife sitting beside me. She is the most comforting person.

I was taken to the emergency room and x-rayed and checked over for about five hours. There were bruises on my left side, some soft tissue injuries to my leg, but thank God, no broken bones. After five hours I was discharged with a bandage here and there, but no worse for the wear. Bruises and pain but no breaks. My wife too, had a few little bruises, but thank God is getting better. Thank God she was hurt much less than I was.

A jolly, white haired doctor in the emergency room -- one of those angels God sends to deliver God’s messages to you -- told me, “you were just hit by a car and no broken bones? Would you buy a lottery ticket for me? You’re obviously a very lucky guy!”

The taxi driver who took us home told us that just before taking us, he drove home a woman whose husband was in a collision. His car was crashed into by a Jeep, and he had a crushed collarbone and broken ribs and was in critical condition being operated on. The Jamaican driver, who was another one of those angels God sends your way so that you know that He is talking to you, said to me, "Sir, if you are walking home on your own two feet you are truly blessed."

And I knew it to be true. I had my close brush with death, God forbid. When a car strikes you its different than falling down a flight of stairs. A car is a two-ton bullet. We read everyday in the papers about pedestrians hit by cars -- and losing their lives.

I went home that evening, knowing one thing:

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.

I walked through the valley of the shadow of death - but I was not alone. God was with me. Cars -- and their drivers -- do not give life, nor take life. Only God does. If it was meant to be "my time," then I would be taken by the Lord. And it were not my time, no one can take my life. “I will fear no evil for Thou art with me.”

“Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

Even the afflictions that come to me, come from You, O Lord.

A shepherd uses his stick for two purposes -- or perhaps he carries two sticks -- a rod, with which to prod and sometimes strike the sheep into place and a staff upon which to support his weary body when he stops to rest.

God is both our rod and our staff. He supports us with his staff, and at times, for reasons sometimes known only to Himself -- He chastises us with His rod.

But "they comfort me,” I am comforted by both.

As long as I know the affliction comes from God, I know it is for my own good, necessary, and in my best interest. Much like a parent that gives a child a bitter medicine. It might taste bitter on the outside, but it surely is for the good on the inside.

Laying on the ground, my eyes saw three lanes of cars facing me on a busy Sunday afternoon, waiting for the light to turn green almost ready to come at me. But I was not afraid.

I knew that God who struck me down, will surely lift me up again. I knew if I was just smitten by His ROD -- His STAFF will not be far behind.

I knew that the God who hurts, is also the God who heals. I was in His hands. And I was comforted. I felt a wave of comfort pass over me like never before. I was being touched by the Lord.

I am recuperating now, hopefully going to get better day by day. But I feel closer to God than ever. Praise the Lord whom I love with every fiber of my being.

Map-Dot-Fingerprint

The condition is referred to as Cogan's dystrophy.

The symptoms among patients may vary widely in severity and include:

Light sensitivity

Glare

Fluctuating vision

Blurred vision

Irregular astigmatism (uneven corneal surface)

Mild to extreme irritation and discomfort that is worse in the morning

Corneal tear or rip with sharp rip stinging pain often lasting several days.

Among the various forms of care for this dystrophy, the following are the more common:

Medical Care: Numerous treatment options are available, and like the disease itself, results are variable and differ from patient to patient.

• Hypertonic drops or ointment often are the first line of treatment. They may help both irregular astigmatism and recurrent corneal erosion problems. Sodium chloride (5%) drops at breakfast, lunch, and dinner; and ointment at bedtime is recommended.

• Nonhypertonic lubricating drops or ointment: The only prospective study to date detected no difference in results of bland versus hypertonic lubricating treatment.

• Consider patching for acute episodes of associated corneal erosions.

• Bandage extended wear soft contact lens occasionally may be useful but risk of infectious keratitis makes this a secondary choice.

• Hard or gas-permeable contact lens may improve vision by masking corneal irregular astigmatism but often is poorly tolerated because of increased corneal fragility/erosion problems.

Surgical Care:

• Debridement/superficial keratectomy is preferred, for both significant visual loss from associated irregular astigmatism and recurrent corneal erosions, if treatment with hypertonic drops and ointment fails. Combined debridement and superficial keratectomy can be completed easily in the office setting, at the slit lamp, using topical proparacaine or a similar anesthetic drop. Place a lid speculum, then debride (with a rather blunt Kimura spatula) the entire extent of any loosely adherent epithelium or basement membrane level opacities. With sweeping and pushing motions using the trailing or leading edges of the instrument, keeping nearly parallel to the corneal plane, redundant basement membrane level material can be massaged away, while maintaining the integrity of the Bowman layer.

• Diamond burr superficial keratectomy is very useful for recurrent erosions associated with map-dot-fingerprint dystrophy that does not respond to keratectomy with a Kimura spatula. Following epithelial debridement, a 4- or 5-mm diameter diamond-dusted burr very gently is used to polish the basement membrane throughout the area of epithelial debridement.

• Excimer laser phototherapeutic keratectomy is an excellent treatment for recurrent corneal erosions associated with map-dot-fingerprint dystrophy, with results similar to above superficial keratectomy procedures (but much more expensive in most settings).

• Corneal anterior stromal needle puncture is useful for recurrent corneal erosions from trauma that recur in the same location. This procedure is not as successful for recurrent erosions associated with map-dot-fingerprint dystrophy, which is usually more diffuse and often migratory.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of Cogan's dystrophy, (also known as map-dot-fingerprint dystrophy) is the Following SPECIAL CONCERN.

Special Concerns:

• While patients with map-dot-fingerprint dystrophy may be bothered by painful recurrent erosion episodes and/or decreased vision, they typically are most frustrated by the unpredictability of the condition. They may have an episode of pain and poor vision the day of their wedding or of an important presentation after being asymptomatic for weeks or months. Physicians need to understand this important concern, as do others. Patients under such circumstances should not be pressured to perform or do activities while they are suffering from the pain of their erosion episode.

Night Riders

Night riders come rushing down the street. Zooming down the block swerving on two wheels around the corner.

Night riders come to take possession in the darkness that which they are denied in the light. Under cover of darkness they weave their way in and out of tight city streets and dark forsaken alleys. What are they looking for? Are they looking to simply release steam, burn off excess energy, or run away from the self that they dare not confront.

There are so many night riders in the big city. People for whom the daylight is a curse and night is their only cover. They emerge into the solitude and embrace the darkness because it is the only window that exists for them.

Lonely souls who find comfort in the persecution of others. Wretched folk who mug the innocent, rob the vulnerable, and hold hostage the weak.

The story we have recently read of the young woman who was abducted at night only to be found again five o'clock in the morning bound and gagged and tossed back to the same parking lot from which she was abducted, is one illustration of the dark decrepit souls of the night riders. He has implanted horror and terror in her life for the rest of her days. We all will not rest until he is caught, tried and convicted.

Night riders. At times, the scum of the earth.

No Thanks.

Miss Manners hasn't written a column yet for how to say no gracefully.

We have friends who seek to invite us out to a restaurant. Nothing wrong. Nice graceful people. But we just don't want to go. I don't see their question as an affront. And I have to find the right way to be able to say no.

It seems to be such a simple matter. Nice people, nice friends, want to invite us out. So why be sour? Why be some sullen old geezers that say no?

But what if you really are not interested -- I mean REALLY not interested? I have no interest in spending two or three hours holed up in a little restaurant with these people. I have no interest in eating restaurant food, nor an appetite for it. And I have no interest in masquerading with innocuous and meaningless conversation.

So they send us an e-mail and invite us. I should respond and decline gracefully. But instead, I fudge. I simply don't respond. I simply ignore the e-mail. As if, hoping they will go away? Well yes, they will go away. But perhaps they will go away more confused, less friendly, and thinking that either we were standoffish, or simply unfriendly.

And yet sometimes, because of the nature of who they are, I would rather handle it this way, than being upfront and refuse them.

Relationships get complex and messy sometimes.

On the Other Hand

Come Let Us Reason Together

There are issues whose adherents are very adamant that they have found the truth on their side. Those adherents who are so certain of the absolute truth of their point of view, have little or no tolerance to hear the other side.

You know the type. They're stuffy and so filled with their own selves. Hey, that wasn't a very intelligent sentence but who cares. So there we are in Gotham trying to arrange a paragraph for fast dictation. When some people are so hell-bent on their own views, that they are going to do everything it takes to make sure their view prevails, there is little room for dialogue.

Perhaps this was indicated in the community election that recently took place. There were sides, but the two sides did not have a chance to articulate the differences clearly enough. Because one side was sure that it had the truth on its side, it therefore did all that it can to push through its agenda. It took a communal vote, but when the people to fail to come out because they were not committed to its cause, they extended the vote for five days. Now what kind of an action is that? When you have ballots in a box overnight and there is no one guarding them, who is to stop someone with nefarious schemes from stuffing the ballot box?

And to go through the neighborhood with sound cars blaring and blasting, telling people come out and vote come out and vote -- where was the other side? This side even offered to come to your house and offer you a private ballot if you are "too scared, frightened, or intimidated to come to the polling place."

Methinks that they protest too loudly. Where were the reasonable discussions? Where were the broad committees that should have chosen the candidates, and they should not have been chosen, hand-picked actually, by one or two individuals.

In truth, those elected will be mostly irrelevant to the vast majority of the community. Indeed that entire group is mostly irrelevant.

The saddest part of this entire election is that in the end it really didn't count or matter very much at all.

Clueless Computing

Not having dictated a message for such an extensive time, makes it incumbent upon me to do so now. Many events take place in a person's life that do not allow for freedom of time. Especially a happy or joyous event that was three months in the planning.

Nevertheless, thankfully a new day has arrived, the good stuff is behind us. And now, any more time that lingers and does not have a message will only be to our detriment.

So we are back to quick mode dictation. I went to deliver an address in Michigan. It was a nice institution with a fine director. An old friend, we had attended the same postgraduate university program several decades ago. I found it most interesting. He's an intelligent, cultured person who is very dedicated to his position and constituency. But to my surprise, he is largely computer illiterate. I know he possesses a cell phone, but that's probably as close as he comes to modern technology. He has computers in his office and computers at home. His wife uses his computer at home to type a synopsis of his speeches. But when he sits down to the computer he cannot make heads or tails.

So I just had to suggest it to him. I told him, hey -- you'd like to transcribe your speeches. Or at least you'd like to put some of your ideas on paper. But when it comes to typing you hunt and peck with two fingers at most, or perhaps only one. I'll tell you what. Why don't you try Dragon NaturallySpeaking?

Of course, he asked me what the jiggers is that?! I explained to him that it was dictation software, and how all he would need to do would be to correct a few little incidental errors here and there. He was quite interested and asked me how does one go about procuring such software. I offered to purchase a copy for him. He was most thankful.

I'm in the process of ordering the software for him. But in truth, I feel it will be to no avail. He won't know how to open the program correctly, and he surely will not know how to correct errors.

Some people, just never learn.

Hot Buttons

Got a Hot Button?
It's at 6:30 a.m. I finally mail that e-mail with my great and big financial appeal for a contribution. What am I doing up so early -- or is it so late?

I want to fill up two pages now with words. I want just to allow the words of flow and see a great my good friend dragon speak naturally does perform. And that is exactly what I'm going to do.

There are days that are like no other. What are they, I don't exactly know! But aren't there days you just know will be lucky days? Aren't there days when you just feel that everything is going to go just right!?

Maybe they are, maybe they're not. But I think there's a big difference between a day with good attitude or a day with bad attitude. Yes, it all boils down to that very simple, tired, old worn out phrase and cliché: Attitude!

As a wise scholar once said: You are not what you think you are -- but what you think, you are! 98% of it is in the mind. No, not all of it. Some things actually occur externally. If a person is, God forbid, hit by a truck, that is not in the mind. If a person breaks out with yellow fever, that is not in the mind. But perceived slights, insults, fences -- or hesitation, shyness, or lack of assertiveness -- that IS in the mind.

And the mind, is either our best friend or our worst enemy. I've lived with my mind, for many many years. An understatement. There are so many buttons in my mind that I wish I could turn off. There are so many hot buttons that I wish I could cool down. And there are so many hesitation buttons that just stand in my way.

But as time marches on, I must attack these buttons and get them out of my way quickly. Because life is not going to wait for me to catch up. And today, is never coming back again.

I don't know, I just don't know. But I sure wish I could short-circuit some of these buttons.

Cold Bones

Bones get Cold

Yes my friend, bones can get cold. And when they do -- when the wind and the dampness and the cold seeps into the bones, you feel it!

Over 15 years ago on an early morning, I slipped on the cold wet pavement and fell down. I got up and I had fractured my humerus bone. That's the bone that connects the shoulder to the elbow, for those not familiar. For weeks after that, I could not sleep in a bed, but had to sleep in a recliner. And all I could do to heal the bone was to wear a sling for probably a month or more.

Well thankfully 15 years later the bone has healed. But the damage lingers. When it gets cold outside, or damp, I feel a pain -- sometimes a stabbing pain -- in my arm. And when I sleep at night, if I sleep on that shoulder I feel it.

It's just a reminder, and a painful one that some things never go away.

Yes, I'm trying to think of words to dictate to continue to train my dictation software, "Dragon, Naturally Speaking." But my ideas are running dry this morning. Nothing seems to come to mind. Writers block? Probably. Not exactly a sin or crime -- but frustrating nonetheless.

So I have to do rapid dictation. Rapid dictation as you must know from our previous posts, is where I just let the words pour out. It's as if you pinch yourself and you say get them out, get them out, get them out. But say what, or is it best to say nothing at all?

The truth is I am torn inside me at this moment. I have other obligations and I must tend to and I'm dodging them. Primarily, I have to call someone and try to negotiate a contribution from them to a good cause. And I'm not very comfortable doing so. So I struggle -- and procrastinate.

Okay, enough for now.

All Tied Up with Pins and Needles

"I'll Try."

What do those two words mean? When you ask someone to do a task, either as a favor or an obligation -- what is the meaning of the response "I'll try?" Will you do it, or won’t you do it? You’ll ‘try’ to see if you can close the door? Meet the family at 7 p.m. in Sacramento? Actually take out the trash?

We have allowed clichés to seep into our culture and consciousness and we tolerate them, despite the fact that they mean different things to different people. Consequently, our communication is stifled, confused, and often misunderstood.

A case in point: "I'll see you later." You will? How? You’re taking a plane to Kalamazoo, and I'm going back to Baltimore. Where will you see me??

Another example: "let's have lunch sometime." Oh? Actually, I expect to have lunch every-time; today, tomorrow, and probably the next day too. Did you mean that we ought to have lunch together? But you're flying to Kalamazoo -- and your plane is leaving in an hour. Gosh, that's why I drove you to the airport! And now you think of lunch?!

And what about: "I'm sitting on pins and needles." Well for heavens sake, get up! That's got to be mighty painful, all those pins and needles. And there you are, sitting on them?!

And finally, for now: "I'm all tied up." As in, "I'd love to go to lunch with you but I'm all tied up." You are? Would you like me to call the police? Are you tied up of your own free will? Or has someone done this to you? Is this a daily occurrence?

These expressions and clichés are not really bothersome for us locals, because we've learned to read between the lines. But we need to realize that our language, English, has become a global form of communication -- especially with the Internet. Using clichés in an international arena can cause much confusion. The gentleman from Bolivia, or the woman from Indonesia, who have struggled to master the English-language, just get more confused when they have to decide about taking lunch sometime with someone who is sitting on pins and needles and all tied up.

On Crossing the Threshold to a New Year

On Crossing the Threshold to a New Year

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

by Robert Frost.

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village, though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it's queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there's some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Every year at the stroke of midnight, the night between December 31 and January 1, we usher in a "New Year."

A quick thought for all of us. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.

As each year fades and each new one arrives, we become more aware of the ticking clock. The journey remains long, but we dare not slacken.

Because in truth, we all have -- promises to keep.

And we've got a lot more to go, to reach our destination. And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.

A very happy and thoughtful New Year's to you all!

Puff the Magic Dragon

Dictation Central.

There are days that you just have to really just to dictate, if you want Dragon NaturallySpeaking to be working properly.

This is what happened to me. I had a username with Dragon, and some file obviously got corrupted. I don’t know how, but I think it happened when I was doing a restoration of a previous savings of windows XP. In the process, something that all messed up with Dragon, and when I try to open my username it told me that its files were too large to be opened or something along those lines.

So I had two choices. One choice was to somehow or other tried to find the error and corrected, and I had no luck doing so. The other choice was just a start in the username.

The dilemma with starting a new username is that all of my saved files were lost. Which means all the words that it saved from me in terms of new vocabulary and pronunciation etc. was deleted.

So I started a brand-new username and I’m now saving more words. I don’t know completely the secret of dragons speak freely software. But what I do know is that it is extremely useful and it helps me immensely. He does insert incorrect words here and there, and I can live with that. When I am doing important typing I watch it like a hawk, and if I catch a mistake I usually corrected then. I don’t wait until I finish a paragraph because if I do, I don’t really recall what I said in a previous place and I am not sure how or what word to insert.

But right now, I don’t really care if it records a few errors. I’m just interested in getting as much dictation as possible. This morning I wrote a very important article and I could not have done it without Dragon. I am still not a proficient typist, and I really need to correct errors as I read them. But I’m not doing so today, because I just want to post this text on this web site.

So now I need to find a title for this text. Just call it: Puff the Magic Dragon! I got it!

Holidays & Apathy

The danger of the holiday season

Chestnuts might not be roasting, but the authenticity of the holiday season is upon us more than ever. This is going to be a quick dictation blog. I'm going to rapidfire here.

The holidays really make people nicer? There are some people who feel that the purpose of the holidays is simply goodwill to all men. That is such a wonderful idea. It's a wonderful idea because most people have no idea how to begin practicing such an idea. I just use the word idea maybe six or seven times. I have no idea why.

Are there really people who have an attitude that could only be turned on once a year? After all what is the opposite of nice -- not nice? What is the opposite of love, hate? No. The opposite of love is apathy. The opposite of loving someone is not hating them -- but ignoring them. Being apathetic to them. You don't have to hate someone to the damaging them. Cold apathy is sufficient

We are apathetic to so many people and somebody closes all through the year. Read about tsunamis, hurricanes, and other forms of human tragedy. We don't hate those people, we have nothing "against them." But we don't do anything for them either. And that's because of apathy.

We must find a way to blot out rampant apathy. We must shake people to the core and let them know that simply being apathetic as criminal. Very few of us hate goodness. Most of us are so involved in our own selfish pursuits, that we are naturally apathetic -- even to our closest relatives.

It isn't enough to feed yourself. It isn't enough to feed your own. Charity might begin at home -- but it ain't over till it's over. And it ain't over until you feed the hungry out there in the street.

Charity begins at home but ends in your neighbor's home. No, not the neighbor next door. The neighbor at the other side of the globe.

Charity and apathy. Mortal enemies. Who live side by side.

Don't be apathetic. It's a killer. Feed the hungry. Happy holidays!

The Jerky Tooth Guy

The Jerky Tooth Guy

The seemingly never-ending misadventures of a lousy root canal job, will continue to be told here.

I'm almost ready to name names. I am going to tell you a story. I walk back to this doctor to finish the job. This dumb secretary at the front desk asks me, what insurance do you have? I give her my insurance card which obviously is not one of their favorites. So she tells me you are going to have to wait. And the "wait" had a very distinct ring to it. I am convinced that the order in which patients see the doctor is dependent upon the insurance that they have. I was made to wait THREE hours! And the ironic thing is, this was for the completion of a root canal job, for which I am paying CASH!

I asked several times at the front desk, what the delay is. The answer was, "the doctor is running late."

Anyway, I was finally admitted to an office to wait for him. He flips from office to office, working on what seems to be several patients at a time. At the same time, he is conferring with one of his colleagues regarding construction work in the office. Working on me makes me feel like it is almost an afterthought.

This time, while taking out a temporary filling and looking into my tooth, he decides that part of the area is infected and now I need an antibiotic. In truth I am happy that he caught it -- if he is telling the truth. But my question really was why did you not prescribe an antibiotic the first time? Now he wants me to come back a THIRD time to finish the job should have been completed the first time.

On the way out, the secretary insisted that I pay the entire bill of over $650. I told her I already gave $100 down payment last time and will pay in installments. She said that we need all the money now. I said everybody needs all the money now. But I don't have it to give to her and they will have to wait. She asked for a credit card or head checks. I told her I have a bus to catch which is the last bus out of this neighborhood, you've kept me here for 3 1/2 hours and I'm leaving now. And that's just what I did.

The doctor tells me there will be another hundred dollar charged for a "post." And then perhaps we will put on a crown, and God knows how much more money that will cost. Meanwhile he is talking to a colleague about redecorating various offices for approximately $10,000 each.

I walked away feeling that I do not trust him. Or his establishment. And consequently, I do not feel confident in the dental treatment I am receiving. Although he is a soft-spoken individual, and I would like to believe that he is proficient in his trade, I've lost my confidence in their operation. They were constantly mixing up my charts and records with my son's, because our first names are similar. The mismanagement, ineptitude, and downright neglect and negligence, makes me feel very leery of these people.

So my question is: now I have a second temporary filling in this tooth and have been assigned antibiotics. Can I go to a different dentist to complete the job? Or do I need to go back to the same individual. Will another dentist charge me massive fees for completing someone else's root canal work?

So what's the philosophical question here? The sad quality of medical care in our society today? The scandal of HMOs and insurance carriers?

No. For me the question yesterday was one thing. Will I keep my cool. I said to myself constantly over and over: God is good. God is good. Stay calm. Stay serene. Stay cool and tranquil. It's nothing personal. Don't add stress, angst, and esasperazione to an already uncomfortable situation.

And I believe I was successful. Last time, I left the doctor's office with all kinds of mixed and frustrating feelings. This time, I left there serene and calm. Oh yes, my mind was still churning with some of my disappointment. But within me there was a serenity.

And that was good. A little serenity goes a long way.

Have a very happy holiday season. Because if you won't, no one will have it for you.

Awaiting Deliverance

There are moments in life that present us with a challenge. There are other moments that present us with the response. And then, there is the gap -- often a huge gap -- in between.

We are challenged with dilemmas, tests, frustrations, and sometimes, huge mountains that just seems impossible to climb. And then! Then there is the moment of deliverance. There's a moment when the One on high opens the heavens and the light that shines is so overwhelming, as if there never were a problem to begin with.

But there is the waiting period in between. I have a situation that is going to cost me many thousands of dollars. It is perhaps a happy situation. But you have to be able to pay for it. And right now the challenge is here, but the response -- the deliverance --*sigh,* is not yet on the horizon. More specifically, the deliverance is nowhere to be seen.

It's at moments like this that I find myself standing on the mountaintop, looking across the horizon for that small cloud the size of the fist of a man. The cloud that will irrigate and rain upon the dry arid land. Elijah stands there and says: go forth, and look ye into the sky, for the rain clouds to come. And I look, and look -- but no rain clouds are to be found. The sun burns down in all of its torturous heat, but deliverance is nowhere in sight.

This deliverance is beyond my own doing. If it is to be a gift from above, I have no merit for which to deserve that gift. All I can hope for, is a compassionate miracle. And my life is not one that is used to receiving miracles -- compassionate or otherwise. But I have no choice but to gaze on high, and to beseech the One above for an undeserved deliverance.

How? I know I must make a vessel. I know I must create some involvement on my part, so that He may "partner" with me. This is a big struggle for me. My credit in His eyes is very low -- at least from my perspective. I have done very little worthy of His deliverance. But I have no choice. I have no other avenue but Him. And time is running out.

So I turn to You, Master of Deliverance, and I beseech You: please find a little ray of light. A little bit of light that You can shine upon my small corner. For I have no one else to turn to, but You.

Our Father our King, we have no other King but You.

Necessity

I had the flu this week or what seems like the flu. But more than anything else, I had an epiphany experience this week. I realized that everything is nothing and nothing is everything. It's all just a matter of "necessity." When you have the flu, it is a necessity to rest.

I know, it didn't make any sense what I just said. But I'm not really looking to make sense. Today, I am doing rapidfire dictation. Again. And the reason for that is as follows -- new hard drive, new installation of program, new necessity to see that everything is functioning the way it is supposed to be. You see, it's a necessity.

For those who do not use Dragon speak freely, perhaps you do not know that it needs to be "trained." What I found in the past, is that a multitude of training does not necessarily increase considerably the accuracy of the program. The program by itself, is astonishingly accurate. And that's all that counts to me.

So it is a Friday afternoon. The buses and trains, sometimes they run. It's a cloudy, gloomy day. And a weekend that is coming that doesn't look any brighter. But as Bob Marley said, "everything will be all right." So I guess the gloom is not a necessity.

The flu can be debilitating. Specifically, the respiratory tightness and dry hacking cough that accompanies it. The general prescription is rest, lots of fluid -- to decrease the possibility of dehydration, and perhaps a pain killer here and there, to ease the tightness of muscular pain. But there really is no antibiotic or medication for the flu itself. It is viral, and does not respond to antibiotics. But drinking plenty of fluid is a necessity.

The week went by very quickly. I don't know where it went. Not much was accomplished. Actually, very little if anything. There are two engagement parties to go to Saturday night. One, 50 miles away. My own choice would be -- to go to neither. I will probably go to one. Necessity, is like an older brother coercing you to do your homework. And some things you just do, because of necessity.

But just because something is a necessity, does that really mean it is necessary?

Hard Drive Blues

Well it finally happened. In the process of attempting to set up a new hard drive, my old and main hard drive crashed. My primary account, and all my settings -- and virtually all the programs, passwords, and files that I had created and accumulated over a period of time, have all been been eradicated.

Meanwhile, I'm in the process of setting up a new hard drive. When I spoke to my IT professional, and mentioned that I lost hard drive that had tons of programs on it -- his comment was: that's probably your problem, having "tons" of programs on your hard drive. Best to keep your hard drive as lean, mean and to the point as you can.

The bottom line is -- I'll be out of commission a few days while I do all the setups. So I suggest everyone find an alternative form of amusement until we meet again.

Firewalls and other Roadblocks

It’s 6 p.m., do you know where your programs are?

In the never-ending search for the ideal and most spiffy program, I have changed from one virus control program to another. Specifically, I've installed the ZoneAlarm total suite, that controls firewall, virus, anti-spy ware, cookie and pop up blocker and every other Internet confusion possible.

Suddenly, I'm no longer in control of my programs. I try to load them but I'm given a message that you have no permission to touch that. My classic web sites do not load, as ZoneAlarm attacks them for numerous infractions and sins, too many to mention. Some pages do not load, some programs do not start, and by and large I am being admonished with messages telling me to beware! And super caution! And plain old keep your hands off.

Wait a second, what's going on here? I bought a computer to be able to use programs as I wish. It turns out that most of my efforts, time, and programs these days are simply protecting me from the serious dangers lurking out there, and not even letting me get to my primary programs, for which I've purchased a computer to begin with!

Enough of these antivirus, firewall, anti-spy ware, cookie popper programs! I'm just going to pull the plug on the whole darn Internet. I want to load a document into Word for Windows, a document that I have typed, and not be told that I cannot load it until it is checked for viruses, and other unspecified diseases! And then I wonder why my computer has dragged to a crawl! There are 50 other trucks on the highway before I can ever cross the street!

There has to be an easier way! Isn't that what I purchased a computer for in the first place?

Ouch! Dignity

But really all this raises a much bigger question in my mind. Sitting in the doctor's office I felt so helpless. I felt so much that my fate was not in my hands. I had to wait my turn no matter how much it hurt. They put me in a small room. My ache was getting worse and worse. My entire face was hurting. No one came to give me the attention or to attend to my pain. I mentioned it to one of the dental assistants several times that I'm in excruciating pain, can she please call the doctor and have them expedite my service. But to no avail.

Then I fell on a plan. Maybe I should yell. Yes, good old-fashioned yell. Maybe I should come across as some cantankerous, insane old man. After living more than a half-century on this planet, I felt I was entitled. And I also felt that if I make a scene, an annoying and noisy one, I would get the proper attention that I needed -- quickly!

But my "rational" self piped in saying that it was undignified to do so. And that I would look weird. So I had to choose between looking weird or suffering in excruciating silence. And I chose the silence. What a coward.

But I realized more than ever how helpless I was in that room. How powerless and how weak I was and I could not determine my own fate. And I wondered if this was in store for me as I continue to age? Is aging -- growing old -- a "graceful process," or is it simply a time when we start feeling weaker, and more pain, and the breakdown of that once invulnerable body.

I was diminished. And I struggled to find my dignity that had somehow managed to elude me during my days of tooth torture. The entire event raises some very deep philosophical questions within me. I do not have the answers, nor have I completely formulated the questions. But when I do, I'll let you know.

Root Canal

The root canal

Just when you least expect it. Two days of rather uncomfortable to excruciating pain. I don't usually get toothaches. Actually, I never get tooth ache. But this weekend, the unheard of happened.

After sitting in the doctor's office for two hours writhing in pain, you could've sold me the Brooklyn Bridge. I would have done anything to alleviate the pain. And indeed, I did.

The doctor walked in, examined me, and said you gonna need root canal for that tooth. And your insurance will not cover it, so it's $650. Ready to proceed? Whoa! What alternatives are there? None. I could pull the tooth but that's not a good idea.

I felt like a car stranded on the open highway driving between Montana and New Hampshire. The mechanic looks at it and says, you're going to need new transmission and that'll cost you $700. What choice do I have? Just abandon the car? And believe me, the pain of a toothache is even worse.

So I just looked at the doctor, whom I had never met before and whose qualifications I did not and do not know, and simply said -- do it.

Well, today is day one. We'll see if he was successful. Meanwhile, it’s still hurting. But much much less than before.

I should write more -- but hey, I just had root canal.

The Toothache

Is there a way to really prove the evidence of a painful moment?

Go tell somebody you have a toothache. What impression would that make upon them? If, heaven forfend, you were crushed underneath a vehicle, you're pain, broken bones, blood splattered, would leave undeniable evidence that you are hurting. But tell them that you have a toothache, and they shrug their shoulders. In their eyes, maybe you do, maybe you don't.

Well, my tooth hurts. My tooth has been hurting me, and my gums, since yesterday. But because it is the weekend, there's no dentist around. On the dentist's answering machine there's a message that if you are in a definite urgent emergency, go to the emergency room of your local hospital. Goodness! I would much rather go to a gypsy fortune teller, then to my hospital’s emergency room. I'd have faster service, better luck, and probably similar outcome.

So how to deal with pain. I mean pure, physical pain. An ache that reminds you not just that your mortal -- that's easy. An ache that reminds you that you can hurt at any time, and that in some ways you are very very small.

So Mrs. goes away for the weekend -- actually a week. And suddenly you're all alone. Oh, yes some of the children are around, but it is as if you are alone. They are in their own world, thinking and taking care of themselves. And if you dare to intrude, you will know fast enough where the border lies.

Nurse a pain all by yourself. Feel immersed in your own pain, and your own helplessness. Know, that no one feels your pain but yourself. And the momentary lip service comes and goes.

Enter on the scene, Oragel! A little tube of medication that numbs the teeth and the gums. A remarkable antidote, for just a few dollars. Why didn't I think of this before?! I buy it, I try it, and it works! Incredible! Suddenly the pain has diminished considerably. That huge mountain of a toothache shrinks into a truly tiny molehill. All with one little application.

So maybe that's what they were thinking after all. Hey man, why are you making a mountain out of a mole hill? It hurts? They are easy solutions. We have all been there, done that. Maybe you haven't, so you're panicking. But it's only because you're backward, ignorant, and uninformed. One little visit to the pharmacy and you can set the world right again.

And the whole time I was complaining about my toothache. Maybe that's why I was passed over gently, politely or basically ignored. The catastrophe existed only in my mind. Others did not feel my pain, nor did they feel my concern and worry.

Sometimes, it is so hard to live with myself. What a struggle. Toothaches.